Monday, 4 December 2017

Glorious and fat!

So as you all know (or maybe not) I recently had a baby.

Now obviously this massively changes your body in many ways. It goes through so many changes it can kind of make your head spin.

 I, personally loved my pregnant shape and I love my post partum shape but there’s one particular area that I struggle to love. You see just above my bum there’s this extra curve and I just wish sometimes that it wasn’t there. It ruins the line of dresses and often is the reason I wear longer cardigans or cover ups. When I lose weight it shrinks massively. When I gain weight (because both happen due to life...sometimes I’m busy I lose some weight sometimes I gain some weight) it becomes even more prominent.

I still, unfortunately, sometimes find myself comparing myself to girls with shapes like mine and wishing I just had a smooth back down to my bum. I always try to banish the thoughts but sometimes they get in.

Something I haven’t taked about much is my binge eating disorder. When I found body positivity I finally found myself for the first time in my life able to step away from diet culture. To stop obsessing about food and to maintain a fairly stable weight without trying.

When I was younger my family put me into a weekly clinic. I lost five stone rapidly over the space of a year and then left and gained it back. I was worse than ever before and for a good option of those two years was also bulimic. The clinic which recalled low calorie diets hadn't helped me develop "life skills to maintain a low weight" as it had claimed, it had just made me more obsessive and informed about calories and portions and made the obsession that much worse.

I got to my lowest weight and was so disillusioned by the fact that I wasn’t magically happy that I gained back all the weight plus more in two or years. I then found body positivity and actually started to hold a stable weight. Not on purpose but just because my new healthier mental attitude helped me to stop focusing on food and start focusing on loving my body as it was.

I know it doesn’t work this way for everyone but it helped me so much. When I got pregnant my diet changed without me having much of a choice. I pretty much didn’t eat for six months cause of sickness and then focused on just matter what my cravings were just so if actually be eating. And then I had Molly. I was so excited about being able to eat whatever again that I did just that. Whatever took my fancy I ate. I don’t weigh myself but I imagine I’ve gained weight the last six weeks. Not enough to be put of my size 26 range but definitely some. I didn’t care. As I said I go up and down within a certain range. However yesterday I looked in the mirror and saw the bump de bump had gotten bigger and my heart just dropped. I panicked a bit and I felt a massive loss of control about my body.

So much has been out of my control about my body that apparently this was the step too far. I felt old habits had crept back in and I noticed a binge pattern the last few weeks that gave me a fright. For my health and the sake of future pregnancies I have to try and lose some weight..I don't advocate weight loss or anything, you do you. But, despite having no desire to change my body it’s a fact of my life that I have to because of blood pressure. And I was worried I’d slipped back into an old pattern I didn’t like.

I do not restrict my diet by any means..I like to cook and bake and I eat what I want when I want it but I don’t want to slip into binge habits again because mentally it’s bad for me. But this isn’t about that although it seems to be. Last night I was angry and tetchy. I fought with Paul’s, got irrationally angry because the bread was gone stale, instead of eating a dinner I binged in bursts throughout the day and I stressed and panicked about my weight and health. And then I caught myself and I said “take a deep breath, relax and think about your body”. I thought about all that I loved about my body.

 My curves and my long legs and my bum and all the things I’ve learned to love over the last three years.. my gorgeous stomach and my perfect cellulite and my stretch marks. I look at my body most days and revel in the celebration that it is!

It created my beautiful carries me through life and it’s strong and sexy and as I thought these wonderful thoughts I started to think kindly on my back fat and how it’s all just part of my unique make up. It’s beautiful and it’s mine.  I felt the anxiety that had tightened it’s grip on my heart subside and I felt my love for my body outweigh any panic and my head slowly stepped away from food obsessing and I fell asleep happy.

I woke up with a new found love towards my bumps and lumps. I can’t guarantee I'll love it completely instantaneously but I felt so much kinder towards it and myself. Both food and weight have been controlling centres in my life for so long slipping back into panic mode can almost be like putting on some old, extremely worn, uncomfortable shoes but like shoes I can choose to put it back in the closet if I want. I don’t think I'll ever be able to escape it fully but I always have the comfort of loving my body to draw me back to solid ground.

Often people accuse fat people of trying to glorify obesity. I would like to point out that I, for one, am not out there trying to force feed my friends or tell them to gain weight. I just want to live in my body and be happy. That’s it. No master plan or dare I say, agenda, here.

 I’m trying to be glorious and obese not glorify it! And I would like to point out my psychological spiral here. I panicked about gaining weight and my reaction was to binge eat. I sat around all day obsessively thinking about food and going around in horrible circles so much that I was in a nightmare mood by the end of the night. When I sat back and thought lovingly about my body I relaxed and happily slipped out of binge eating habits. I can only attest for myself but I just feel that loving your body and feeling happy in your skin can’t be this bad thing that some people seem to feel it is, if and only if, you are fat
. As long as I’m not personally harming you I feel like maybe you should just let me be me and let me revel in my sexy, beautiful, strong, fat body and if you don’t like it..i really, really do not care! Not even a little bit, not even at all.

Saturday, 14 January 2017

Velvet and leather

If you have been following me on insta you might have noticed I am a big fan of two particular things. Glitter and...velvet. If I could live each day in glitter and velvet then I would. In fact I think I might set about making that a reality if I can!

We all know January sales are fantastic and while I wasn't going over board in the sales I definitely snagged a few bargains, mainly from New Look.

I had been oogling this beautiful wine dress on New Looks website for weeks and when I saw it in my local store for €15 I knew I had to have it. I do feel like I should possibly have sized down as it has structured cups and they are slightly floating around up there..even with my ample ladies.

It's a beautiful skater style dress with a zip up back. It falls beautifully and is comfortable. I may see if I can remove the chicken cutlets because I feel they take away from the dress. The center cut has moulding and so does not collapse which is really useful!

As you can see it has great movement to it and I cannot wait to give it a spin!

I ordered the next item as a back up for New Years eve. Clothing disaster all round. I ordered this beautiful blue (velvet) wrap dress from asos and was eagerly awaiting it but realised way too late that something had gone wrong with the order and it was not going to get to me. This was on its way also but of course it did not arrive on time. Because why would it. But it did however arrive unlike the other one. Anyway I didn't get to wear it for that but I will be wearing it soon.

I feel like a boss bitch in this top and it is actually the first (but definitely not my last) peplum top. I love the drama of it all. This top is currently on sale on New Looks website for €11. How could you go wrong?

The pants I'm wearing are New Looks (can you tell I'm addicted) coated leather look pants. They are so comfortable. They are high waisted and I have been living in them for weeks. They are however still available on sale for €22.99. I will be straight up with you though. These babies are cracking. I love them but there are several areas that are threatening to peel. Also in the chub rub areas there is some coating that is lifting. So that is something to bear in mind.

So long story short if your looking to feel like a queen and velvet is your fabric of choice you won't got wrong swinging by New Looks sale section right now!

Happy shopping lovelies!